I said I’d write this blog honestly. So honestly, today I felt nervous. I’ve talked a lot about how I’ve felt so far and I’m fairly certain this is the first time I’ve used that adjective. Its not a bad nervous though . I hate using the f word, but as a former athlete I’ve had these nerves many times before. It means that something big is coming. This isn’t the average, midweek, out of conference game we’re talking about. This is a weekend series, against your in conference rivals and the winner goes to the playoffs.
Its good to have nerves before something like that. It means you understand what is about to happen and you’re ready for the task at hand. Unfortunately for me, I’m not exactly sure how to translate preparing for a baseball game to preparing for a major surgery. In fact, when game day comes I’m pretty sure I don’t really do anything but lay on a table. After that the surgeons take over and it’ll all be in Gods hands.
I think the nerves came today because my journey began today. I packed my bags, I shut down my electronics and I said my goodbyes knowing I may not be back for up to 6 and a half weeks. It felt really strange. I think part of it is that I hate goodbyes. Absolutely hate them. I’m normally very confident and personable, but when saying goodbye I get awkward and uncertain. I don’t know what to say. Am I encouraging you? Are you encouraging me? Still I do them because I feel its important.
Actually one time I did manage to skip the goodbyes. Last spring I was home in Maine around the time of the Bates College graduation. There are those in the class of 2011 that I consider very good friends, so I went up the night before graduation to hang out and then see them off. The next morning I watched them walk in to the ceremonious end of their college career. When everyone was settled and the program began I took off. I didn’t want to say goodbye because it seems like the end to something that shouldn’t have an end, a friendship.
There are some positives to goodbyes though. One positive for me is that often goodbyes are accompanied by physical contact. A handshake, pat on the back, or a hug. I love this. I thrive on the physical contact, it makes me feel connected to people, like were more than two people who coexist nearby, but that we’re actually linked. The second thing I don’t mind about goodbyes is that the guards come down. Why is it that we wait until goodbye to say things we’ve been holding in all along? I know I’ve done it, I bet you have too. We go to say goodbye and suddenly its “Hey I just wanted to say I’ve always admired/appreciated/valued…” Why can’t we just say these things up front? Something I”ll work on in the future.
Tonight I’m at a hotel in Burlington, MA. My mom and dad an adjoining bedroom. Tomorrow morning we check in to Lahey at 7:30 AM (apparently this is a reasonable time where things happen in the normal world?) for some more pre-op tests, meetings and a few final little things. Its really happening friends and I’m nervous. Good nervous though. My last few posts have been about how bad the wait was, but now it seems things have actually happened really quickly! In the end God is good and his timing is perfect. Soon dad will have a liver and we’ll both be on the road to recovery. In the meantime thanks for your thoughts, prayers, encouragement. No really, thank you.
If you missed me before I left New York today, I’ll be back soon. As a friend said “Its not goodbye. See you later!”